


once upon a dream

by orphan_account



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Angst, M/M, implied nsfw but it's a small mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 16:01:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6665095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinji will never forget Kaworu's expression before everything fades to black, his grief-stricken expression as he's forced to watch the choker around Shinji's neck activate, widened crimson eyes and anguished cries he'll never drive out of his head- he closes his eyes and he sees it, striking as day, his hands beating against the barrier between them and his helpless expression a stark contrast from his usual graceful demeanor- and it is enough to keep himself going whenever he feels it isn't worth the effort, trying to save Kaworu over and over again.

[role swap au, Evangelion 3.0]</p>
            </blockquote>





	once upon a dream

He wants to save Kaworu.

 

* * *

 

Again.

And again.

And again.

Shinji will never forget Kaworu's expression before everything fades to black, his grief-stricken expression as he's forced to watch the choker around Shinji's neck activate, widened crimson eyes and anguished cries he'll never drive out of his head- he closes his eyes and he sees it, striking as day, his hands beating against the barrier between them and his helpless expression a stark contrast from his usual graceful demeanor- and it is enough to keep himself going whenever he feels it isn't worth the effort, trying to save Kaworu over and over again.

And again.

 

* * *

 

The first time Shinji meets Kaworu, he's starstruck.

The way he smiles at him so sweetly no matter what Shinji does, what he says, how Kaworu saw something shining inside of him Shinji could not, a smile so genuine and grounding, a smile Shinji could match,

(Shinji could never get tired of that smile; its one of the sweeter things which remind him of his endeavours and his drive to save the love of his life)

The way he held his hand so gently, so kindly as he guided his hand along the black and white of the piano keys, doting, praising him whenever he managed a difficult chord and not faulting him when he made a repetitive mistake, his touch as gentle as his demeanour towards him, gentler and kinder than anyone else had ever treated him, something he was never deserving of,

(When they meet again his hands dance over the keys so flawlessly and Kaworu follows just as gracefully; they're truly a duo meant to play with each other, producing the most harmonious duet one might ever hear. Kaworu praises him, _who taught you to play so well?_ it takes so much for Shinji to bite back his tongue from saying _you did, Kaworu-kun._ )

how he was always so gentle and kind towards him, knowing Shinji's fragility as if the back of his hand, so delicately, paying close heed to each of his needs, making Shinji feel so, so needed and so, so much like he finally belonged somewhere in this world, no matter how ruined it was,

(and later he would find out whilst tangled in sheets that his lips against Shinji's own were just as gentle and warm, while Shinji's were hard and desperate and needy, nails scraping the other boy's back as he did whatever he could to grasp onto the moment, before it slipped away just as everything else did eventually)

The way they laid under the stars stretched endlessly above them, the only beauty left in the ruined world they inhabited, and the way Kaworu stared at him lovingly, how he saw impossible beauty in Shinji no one else had ever saw, not even Shinji himself, but he was so inclined to believe so because Kaworu believed in him, the way he looked at him and told him-

( _I really was born to meet you, Kaworu-kun,_ Shinji says, so many words unspoken behind those few, how he wanted the only moment he could feel normal and happy again, the only moment he dared to fill up with hope that maybe none of it was ever true, maybe this time things will work, and how Kaworu looks at him smiling so serenely and adoringly it causes a deep, awful ache within Shinji, and replies, _How curious. I feel the same way. Surely we were meant to be._ )

The eerie calmness that fell over him as the choker around his neck activates, compared to Kaworu grasping at the barrier between them helplessly, his demeanour a stark contrast to his usual peaceful, pacified self, as his anguished cries racked his entire being as Shinji smiles, smiles at him because Kaworu was all he had ever needed in his life, because Kaworu had fulfilled his need to be accepted and loved, _Thank you, Kaworu. My life is meaningful because I had met you._

(because in the end that's all he's ever wanted, and now that imminent death looms above him he embraces it gracefully, even as he closes his eyes and is forced to listen to nothing but Kworu's anguished cries, a broken cassette tape playing in an endless loop within his head, enough to haunt him through death and beyond, and he thinks

 _no_ )

and Kaworu's screams are cut short as the choker takes effect, and everything closes in on him tightly and a searing pain envelopes him, followed by an endless darkness-

 

* * *

 

(and he wakes up fourteen years later all over again, gasping for air which intruded his lungs all at once and _oh god it's so real_ and _this is real_ and _I'm here, again,_ he chokes, hard, on his death and Kaworu's last expression he had saw and the reality of the situation,

and then he screams.

 

* * *

 

It's almost a rite of passage now, an endless loop he's forced to go through over and over until who knows what?

(Kaworu's happiness, he reaffirms to himself. until he can-)

And he comes to expect it when the time comes, but it always catches him off guard, his heart thumping wildly against his chest, the sudden thrust from Kaworu's anguished cries to pitch black back into unfamiliarity.

And he goes through the motions the way he did the first time he ever did it, (the moment now seeming so fleeting- he's long lost track of how many times he's tried to make a change in fate's divine plans for him,) until he sees Kaworu again, running his fingers across the piano flawlessly, executing the most wondrous tune only beaten by the music they play together.

he's desperate to tell him everything- _It's happened before, Kaworu. I need to save you this time. I will_ \- but he doesn't. He can't. How could he explain the absurdity of everything to the other, despite him being wise beyond what his age seemed to be? It is Shinji's burden to bear alone, his mission to achieve by himself- he is the only one who can bring happiness to Kaworu. to both of them.

(Yet he's so overwhelmed by everything and breaks down in the other's arms, and Kaworu, oh, Kaworu, he holds onto Shinji just as tightly, telling him it'll be okay, _you will find the happiness you long to achieve_ , and he just wants to cry _no, Kaworu. I need to bring you happiness. I can't stand to see your expression as you watch me die before your eyes again. I can't close my eyes and have your hopeless cries be the last thing I hear again. You are my happiness, Kaworu. you are._

But he cannot say anything through the sobs that wrack his entire being so he lets Kaworu hold him, selfishly reveling in the moment, hoping for it to never end, hoping he can shoulder the weight of his world with the other, foolishly thinking that maybe this time, he will be able to save Kaworu.

Needless to say, he isn't able to.)

 

* * *

 

(You've always been so selfish, haven't you? You say you want to save him and you long for his happiness when in reality all you wish for is your own. When death does not please you you foolishly cling onto something else. Happiness isn't meant for you. Happiness isn't meant for those who come into your vicinity. When will you learn? You know how to make all of this end without dragging the few who are willing you love you down with you. But you are not meant for that. You are not meant for any of this. You're just a boy, lonely and cowardly, wanting so badly for someone to love you and accept you the way you are, and you've found someone who's willing to do so and you're clinging so, so desperately to something you know will never be, something you know you will lose like everything else)

 

* * *

 

( _I'm so tired, Kaworu. I just want things to finally be okay for us._

_They will be, Shinji. I will make sure to bring you the happiness you deserve._

_... what are you saying, Kaworu? That's what i've been trying to do, for so long. It's something _I_ have to do._

...

_Kaworu-kun?_

_You're wonderful, Shinji-kun. I'm hard-pressed to find that anyone would ever think otherwise._

_Ah, you always say things like that, Kaworu-kun. That makes me really embarrassed._

...

... )

 

* * *

 

One day, when they meet, Kaworu calls him by his name.

_Shinji-kun._

Had time been slipping through the cracks? He swallows nervously, not trusting himself to return the greeting, but does so, anyway.

_Kaworu-kun._

_Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I see you. it's as if I've walked with you, once upon a dream._

He steps closer, and Shinji finds himself stepping backwards.

_I see you smiling at me like you've never had, as if I brought you utmost happiness,_

I see you crumbling before me and opening up to me, revealing yourself to be a wounded boy at heart.

I see you gone before my eyes, and I'm never able to reach you. but then I wake up, and you are by my side again, just as you are now. Isn't that peculiar?

Shinji has fallen on his knees and is crying into his hands before Kaworu can even finish, hiccuping _sorry_ s and _I couldn't save you_ into his palms. Kaworu kneels down, holds him gently, as if he would shatter like the fragile person he is had Kaworu held him any tighter, and Shinji falls into his hold and lets all of his anguish out.

_Thank you for saving me, Shinji. you won't have to, much longer. i will be the one to carry your burden._

His hands shift upwards and Shinji shivers and the utmost care and tenderness in his touch, and for awhile he basks in the security of this moment, basks in the warmness of the love of his life, his chest wrapping so tightly around Kaworu's words, as if it'll finally be alright since he's known all of it Shinji has gone through, how he's tried so hard to make the both of them so happy, and this time, maybe this time, things will-

Kaworu's hand rests upon his neck, and he

carefully

clicks

the choker

off

and sets it around his own neck.

"I'm sorry I have never done this much sooner; I had meant to, but I never knew how to go on about doing this, and it has caused you so much pain and sorrow. I apologise. I will carry the burden of the lilin."

No.

No no no no no no no no nonononononononono _nonononononononononono_

Shinji screams, long and anguished, and they're swallowed into nothingness as his vision fades to red, grasping at the barrier between them, watching the choker around Kaworu's neck implode and killing him helplessly.

 

* * *

 

Kaworu Nagisa sits on the surface of the moon, looking beyond what lilin's eye can see, searching for the stars that Shinji and him had gazed together endlessly, smiling just as he always does, until NERV approaches him and he steels his resolve once more, gazing down upon the Earth as if looking for the one he so desperately longed to save,

"Ikari Shinji. This time, I will save you."


End file.
